top nine 2018

Oh wow. According to my top nine most liked posts from 2018 people are most interested in coffee, nature, with a side of the apocalypse. It does seem in its own way appropriate for the past year. The trend from my point of view-of course not everyone's-is that society is trying to get back to more simpler things, getting outside, connecting with nature, spending time with themselves and each other over coffee, making time to appreciate the small things. All the while surviving against a backdrop of this politically and socially turbulent time where we struggle against power and policy and rule and judgement that very much feels like the end of the world. We are all trying to find our peace amidst the chaos. For the past four or five months I've heard mention the importance of meditation, self care, and healthy habits. It seems like we are desperate to make sure we take care of ourselves because there is a very real threat that no one else is going to. I don't know how to take this-as a good sign or a bad one.

I've even felt myself during the latter part of this year seem to give up a little. Give up on things getting better, looking better, feeling better. This artist gig is a hard one. The freelance gig--an uncertain one. And yet I can't shake the feeling that that is the direction I should be heading. I listen to a few podcasts that are all about being a freelance artist and doing the whole side-hustle alongside your full or part time job, and I try to keep reminding myself that it's worth it. That it'll pan out. That something will turn up. All the artists in all the interviews say the same thing, "Just keep your head down and work hard and keep creating and something will give." and I believe them, I do. Something will give. But when?

I think it was 2015 when I decided to pick up my pens and start drawing again. Started actively and intentionally making art. So I'm literally at the beginning of year four. 2019. Will that be the year? I don't know. It's hard to hang onto a dream no matter how bad you want it. But also there's a time to step back and look at the past year and ask have I done everything I could have? and of course the answer is no. I didn't. Not everything.

In the past I always rationalize my not-doing-everything by making excuses for myself such as: I'm a full time father to two teenage boys and I have a full time job. Also there's that stupid thing called sleep that I have this love/hate relationship with. Often I'll put my head down and resolve to just work harder-which feels great!...until I got sick at the beginning of this year because I was pushing myself too hard, so since then I've been a bit more careful. More careful not to put in too much time, to make sure I'm getting a good amount of sleep, to make sure I'm setting aside my pen and playing basketball with my boys, making sure I let myself watch a movie. Moreover allowing myself to know that it is okay for me to watch a movie, play basketball, and go to bed early, and not work and draw continually.

Still I need to recognize that I'm not quite doing everything I could, right? For instance I recently had a conversation with a friend who was asking me how many times I sent off my resume and CV to illustration jobs in the area. The answer was zero. This same friend, along with two or three others, regularly send me Artist calls and opportunities for me to apply to, look into, etc. How many did I respond to? The answer was one. So it is a good time to recognize that the road to a profitable side-hustle doesn't always mean just drawing all the time. It also means networking, applying to shows and art calls, assembling a digital portfolio and emailing it out, looking up illustration jobs, and talking about myself a lot more (something I really hate doing).

Is it too early for New Year resolutions? Aw screw it.

So what do I want to see myself do in 2019? Maybe not be so concerned about posting something to Instagram every. single. day. Instead, using a few of those days to apply to an art call, or email out my portfolio, or hey maybe just watch a movie. I plan on launching a Patreon on January the 1st and tapping into a support system that I already believe in (because I'm already supporting some of my favorite artists via Patreon already). I plan on tackling larger pieces and finishing a up a series I began this past year. Already, I have my year long goal set-12 zines in 12 months-and have set my sights on a few local juried art shows to apply to. The biggest thing I think I'd like to see? I'd like to see myself not give up. I'd like to see myself succeed-not in just the big things but even the small successes-and to allow myself to take credit for it. I'd like to look better and feel better. I'd like to get back to nature, drink more coffee, make time for friends, and prepare for the end of the world (just in case it comes).